Maybe I’m Too Difficult

Or maybe I’m not.

Today’s Messiful Me–Time is being brought to you by a cup of cocoa, the color “Mama–genta”, and the idea of “Being Difficult”

I went to fill my mama cup with a little mani, but none of the colors were speaking to me. I wanted purple, but not a super deep purple. I kinda wanted pink. I kinda wanted red. I wanted blue, but not because I really wanted blue. I just love blue so I kept getting stuck on the shade. I was being “Difficult”.

Or was I.

My whole life I’ve heard about how I’m being too difficult. How I need to stop being so difficult. How much of a pain in the ass I’m being.

Screw that!

I’m not difficult (well sometimes I am), I’m a Boss. I’m a mama who knows who I am and what I want!

I had a flash of inspiration. There were two colors that weren’t speaking to me, but they were speaking to each other. I really had the urge to mix them together, but I didn’t want to be difficult. I didn’t want to bother anyone. I didn’t want anyone to have to go out of their way for me.

I used to be such a fiery snap-crackle-popper, but over the years I’ve gotten lost in a recession. Sometimes I still go for exactly what I want, no questions asked, no excuses given, but I only see that side of myself in glitch-like flashes. When I think I’m being “too much” I Recede. When I’m being “extra”, I Dim my light. When I feel like an inconvenience, I Shrink. I’ve gotten good at making my mess super small, and there’s Nothing beautiful about that!

So I dug deep and pulled out my “X”.

Once upon a time, before motherhood watered me down into Xavia, there was a girl everyone called X. She was fearless, and stubborn, and unapologetic-ally authentic. She never backed down, and “No” was just code for “You didn’t ask the right person”.

So much of what we think we need to learn as adults, we already know as children. We just don’t have the life experience to validate, so we search in this circle that leads us right back to ourselves. So I reached back to my younger self, grabbed a little confidence, asked to layer the colors, and I loved the result!

Everyone should be skilled in the art of compromise. We can’t have our way all the time. We have to learn to work together, and blah blah blah. Sometimes we need to check ourselves, but so many other times we need to honor ourselves and go for exactly what we want, because sometimes Being Difficult can be a Beautiful Thing.