5 Laws You Didn’t Even Know You Were Breaking

Well, they may not be actual laws, but they Should be!
I’d like to start by filing a claim about the candy display at checkout. As if eye level candy wasn’t enough, some stores have even gone and added a Back light; come on! I tell my kids, “Don’t tease if you don’t want it taken” so I’m not even sure if I really consider it stealing. I have the “paying vs stealing” conversation with them all the time but I can’t guarantee it will stick before they turn 4. I’m on my Ps and Qs, I swear, but I must admit I have Missed a snatch or 2. My one daughter likes to enter my debit pin and help me cash out, and just about that time the baby gets a little extra babbley. All the while, my other daughter is scamming on a pack of gum. I guess I could charge the 3 of them with conspiracy but the real crime is the Gorilla-warfare child marketing; it should be illegal.
Next, I’d like to address the matter of verbal assault. I remember once at the supermarket, seeing a woman with one of those 4 seat grocery carts. Each seat filled with what I assumed were two sets of Irish Twins; 4 kids under 4. I found myself starring, not with any judgment but sheer Amazement like I was watching a water buffalo give birth on the highway. It was beautiful yet seemingly painful, and it drew my attention, admiration, and empathy all at the same time. However, in no way did it draw from my mouth the 5 most infuriating words known to mothers, “You’ve got your hands full!” I imagine when people say this to me that there is someone waiting in the winds with a dart blower ready to pierce them in the neck with a mild tranquilizer. Yes, just like in those male razor commercials. This is uncalled for maternal harassment. Said assailant will watch you like a spectacle, but offer No assistance, as you try to open a door with your foot, push a baby filled stroller with one hand and carry a sleeping  toddler in the other. Their smile tells me, that perhaps, their intentions are well and good, but the road to my mental breakdown is paved with your please and thank yous. The smile just makes the words more offensive. I’d like to press charges. I really would; No bail, no bond.
Then there’s noisy toys. There should legislation Protecting parents! That see and say at the bottom of the toy box that sounds possessed when the batteries start dying, yeah that. I’ll bet Grandma bought it, right? I believe this is the kind of thing that belongs in small claims court. Toys that can be used to create music, I can muster up a little patience for those. That fire truck siren that I’ve heard 30 times before breakfast has made it to the table, though, not cool. I’ve made a big enough stink that I haven’t had to deal with this sort of violation in a while, but when the grandparents momentarily “forget”, these toys simply become the ones that get left at Their house 😉 Sidebar: I also consider it aggravated assault if you buy my child play dough or markers that are not washable.
Now, let’s talk about the ice cream truck. I can turn commercials off, I can avoid certain isles at the store but I cannot block out the Sinister chime of your truck. It’s like an inner ear intuition all children have. Even if they’ve never heard it, they know Exactly what it means. I’m cool with ice cream. We do Sundae Saturdays from time to time. We will even go out for the occasional treat, but bringing it to my house Every night  is just a violation of my maternal right to avoid my kids begging, pleading, or getting on my nerves. Let’s just say my private contractor, you know the one with the dart blower, may just have do be Dually employed.
All these laws are great. If I could pass and enforce them I’d be one blissful mama. There is one more though, The Mama-Load. If I ever have the chance to actually pass just one law, a chance to make an instant citizens arrest, it would be because someone Disturbed nap time!
We all have that One child; if you have more than one please know my sympathies are with you. Maybe it’s the baby or your moody toddler. Maybe, it’s a different child on any given day. Whoever this child is You know, you’re thinking about them this very moment. That one child whose sleep you cherish like a solo trip to the grocery store, yes that one. Wouldn’t it make you feel all warm and fuzzy if you could totally eliminate the threat of Premature nap termination, because the punishment would be so severe everyone would walk around on cotton balls, fluent in whispers? Well, mailman, repairman, whiny toddler, impromptu visitor knocking, Like S.W.A.T on my door, beware! There may or may not be a petition that has made its way to a higher up government official, with quite a bit of pull. Or, there may just be a piece of paper on my kitchen table that is covered with a rant of random curse words that I can’t say out loud, because Someone just woke the baby!