Are You Raising A Little Butthole?

Yes, sometimes kids are butt-holes.

In fact most of the time kids are but-tholes, until we successfully teach them Not to be butt-holes. Even when we achieve that, though, they will still have butt-hole moments. If it just so happens that your kid is one of those rare angels that’s never a butt-hole, please do not tell the rest of us. I know they are out there, and I will take a minute to be happy for you when all of my 4 kids are being non-butt-holes at the Same time. I wouldn’t hold my breath.

I know you’re probably thinking, “Xavia, that’s a lot of “butt-holes”, but I’m trying to paint a picture here.

My kids don’t like me to sit in peace. Not a shocker, nor the reason we’re here. They take food off my plate, ask for granola bars while I’m in the shower, wake me up at 7am on a Saturday to help them find the glue sticks, because they’re feeling inspired. My daughter Doesn’t care about how much space I require as she inches me towards the edge of my bed. My son does Not feel bad for the cough in/drive cars on my face combo he uses to settle for his nap. I’ve heard lots of parents describe their kids as, “so sweet, and thoughtful”, and that’s awesome, mine are too. My kids are actually pretty incredible little people, but Let’s be real. At times, they are also rude, inconsiderate, and selfish. I’m used to the minor offenses, I know they’ll get more considerate with age. It’s the fact that, somehow, they always end up on the victim side of the fence, no matter what the allegations.

I have a very vivid memory of my daughter karate roundhouse kicking me, Hard, as she was practicing her Olympic floor routine. It legit, where are my pain meds, Hurt! Mostly because I was 3 days fresh from ankle surgery and it felt like a knife had been left behind. That’s what it felt like pre-kick. Post kick I wanted to cry. You’d think that would matter, but it didn’t. Mom Lives Matter don’t matter to kids! I’m glad that she was sorry, being able to feel remorse is a huge step towards not being a sociopath, but shouldn’t I be the center of attention, at least long enough to ice and elevate? She couldn’t Save the meltdown? 5 minutes maybe? Nope, she couldn’t even save it 5 seconds before she started full face, I just broke my new toy crying/screaming. “There there, little butthole” I found myself hugging her, assuring that I was okay, instead of tending to My own pain and making sure that I actually was. I guess that’s what old school parents meant when they prefaced a spanking with the classic tag line, “This is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you.” Really? You weren’t on the receiving end, but of course, excuse yourself and go deal with the emotional trauma you just endured.  Using that logic I guess I could just kick my kids whenever the mood strikes, then simply ask the appointed CPS social worker to Hold me, instead of writing an incident report. I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t.

I’m a soft sucker though, so I always put My feelings aside to comfort, console and diffuse their spazz sessions, but it never gets less odd to me. In what other scenario, do you have to make your attacker feel better? That’s just backwards, but then again so is parenting sometimes. So I save my inner dialogue for all my mamas, and keep my, “There there, little butt-hole” type remarks to myself.