How Much Would It Cost To Replace Me

I’ve been under quite a bit of stress lately. I’m using all my Messiful tools but it seems as though I simply have too much on my plate. Really, it’s on my shoulders, because that’s where I hold my stress. So much so that this past weekend my neck went on strike. Like, “you don’t pay me enough for this shit, I’m out!  I haven’t had a massage or chiropractic in months, and you want to add More to the load?” Literally every muscle in my neck and shoulders seized up to the point where I could not move my head. The only way to find any relief from the the pain was to hold my head up with my hands. Needless to say I was laid up with numerous medications and everyone in the family really had to pick up the slack. No one verbalized, but I could Sense chipped shoulders, a lack of enthusiasm, and long sighs. It was almost as if they thought they were due Extra compensation for doing things outside the scope of their regular, put your dirty clothes in the hamper, put your plate in the sink, and flush the toilet after you poop. Ha!

It got me thinking, “How much would it actually cost to replace me?”

They really have No clue how much I do, do they? I’m flippin AWESOME, all moms are, but they have no idea how much momming is Really worth. They probably couldn’t even wrap their heads around the numbers if I broke down for them, how much they’d have to Pay someone else to do all that I do. So, that’s exactly what I did.

Before I start adding on all of the a la carte features of my mothering, I’d like to point out that they would need a manager to Keep it all together. All the appointments, school projects, and sports practices. The, this one needs to be here at 5:00 and that one needs to be somewhere 20 minutes away at 5:15. Handling the cash flow, bills and other required paperwork. The dinner menus, and all the routines that need to be overseen. Let’s not forget the Special skills it requires to keep the “workplace” peaceful even when the “co-workers” are disgruntled and hostile. All the Magic that we do behind the scenes, the ins and outs of every day, would require base pay as a manager. Even if I’m being Extremely modest here, that would be least 40k a year. I’m definitely not gonna be modest with this one, though. I’m no rookie, I’ve been doing this for 15 years. By now I would have completely rocked the corporate ladder and would be pulling in, at the Very least, 75k a year.

Now it gets good. I’m am very simple, so I’d live pretty comfortably on my managerial salary, but I could afford More than a couple perks once I start adding up all the side jobs.

I’m also thrifty, so I can go out to eat on “kids eat free” night and feed my family for under $30. On the regular though, you’re gonna easily pay $7-$10 per person for your food to be Fully prepared at every meal. I want to Ease them into my invoice, though, so for arguments sake, let’s say each meal is $7 per person. 6 people at $7 is $42 a meal. 3 meals a day, carry the five subtract the 20, add 11, and you’re looking at an extra $630 a week. If you’re a stickler you just went over the numbers in your head and you’re thinking they’re off. There are a few times each week when I Refuse to make anything and they have at the cheerios and peanut butter, and jelly. So, I was nice and only based it on 5 days. That’s a nice little chunk of change at the end of the week, if I do say so myself.

Okay, so let’s talk about transportation. We’ve been doing it for years but now they have all these fancy services to cart people around as a side hustle. I spend at least 2 hours every day, driving the kids to and fro. Even at Uber’s Lowest rates that adds another $108 each week. I really should charge as a personal car service, but that would be more expensive, and I’m trying to be Gentle on their budget. ;- ) That number is based on 6 days, because I have a bit of an attitude problem on the weekends. One of the two days you can be sure I’m not driving anywhere!

Next let’s explore all the house cleaning services I perform. This one is a bit flexible and up for interpretation. Some days I clean Everything. Some days I clean Nothing. Some days I clean a little bit throughout the day. I will also figure in the fact that I never clean the bathrooms if I can help it, I always delegate that one! We’ll just say 3 hours 4 days a week. Even if I was Significantly underpaid, that would still be another $120.

Now, I’m not registered, but I can still Nurse it up with the best of them. From the most basic of boo boos, to assistance with rest, ice, elevate, repeat. I reduce fevers, brave stomach bugs, and endure coughs in my face as I dole out unlimited TLC. Thankfully they’re not sick all the time, so I’ll treat this as more of an on call position, with a flat $15 a week. Just know, I’m taking an Extra $20 every time I have to clean up the aftermath of a stomach purge and wash vomit out of clothing or linen.

Speaking of laundry, I don’t it everyday but for the loads I do tackle, clean clothes would cost $25 a week.

At this point, my weekly income is looking pretty sweet, but I haven’t even gotten to the best part; Child care! I know they’re my kids, but that’s Not the point here. The point is that I feel less than appreciated sometimes, and they should know how much it would cost if they spent as much time with a paid stranger as they do with me. I won’t charge for the teenager, and to be fair I’ll be sure not to count the time that the girls are in school. The baby, though, I have him around the clock, Every single day. Again, I’ll go low end, base it on only 5 days, and only charge $200 a week for 9-5, plus $15 an hour overtime until 8. I’ll only charge $50 for both girls for before and after care, and since they’re sleeping I’ll do $5 an hour overnights 8pm-7am. Add, $5 every time my sleep gets interrupted. That totals up to $680, mamas. Anyone else starting to feel slighted?

All of those positions and I’m not even factoring in the fact that I’m a part time hair dresser, tutor, personal shopper, bouncer, therapist, personal assistant, monster slayer, spider removal specialist, party planner, seamstress, and personal bather. I don’t know what you’d actually call that last position, but whatever it is, I’m sure the woman who washed the royal penis in “Coming to America” was given a handsome reward. Not only do I wash penises and cruddy toes, on occasion I fish poop out of the tub. I’m adding bath-time to the bill! I could even take in a little extra as a masseuse. The baby won’t fall asleep unless I rub his armpit. The teenager is constantly getting charlie horses he can’t handle, and someone’s always looking for a back rub. I challenge anyone to think of a profession or job that has a more Extensive description. I would wait for you to think of one, but you won’t, so I won’t waste my time.

Instead, let’s tally it up ladies! Most of those wages were unethically low, yet even if we were drastically underpaid for everything, it would still easily exceed $1623; a week! That’s, roughly, another 78k a year. That’s right, we’d make a Healthy 6 figures, if we were recognized financially for what we currently do for Free! So,unless someone has the $150k yearly salary it would take to satisfy the bill, I don’t want to hear a single “ugh” or see another eye roll. Keep it up, and I’ll go mama for another family. Or better yet, I’ll start handing out invoices for my services. If I don’t get paid one week, I’m not working the next.

Oh, and I only accept cash!