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“Next time one of my kids starts
talking to me about something
that’s “Not Fair”, I’m gonna crawl into their
bed, in the middle of the night, and pee my pants!”
Everyone has Something to say when you tell them you have bed bugs, “Throw everything away”, “Seal everything in plastic”, “Ewww, get away from me”. Okay, so I’ve never actually had them (aside from a sketchy Comfort Inn experience in New Jersey about 9 years ago) so I don’t really know what people say (knocking on all kinds of wood right now). What I do know is that no one ever has any Helpful “how-tos” when you tell them you’ve got Bed bullies. There’s no Youtube tutorials or breakdowns on the CDC; no support groups to hold your hand. Some of you may not even have any idea what a bed bully is. Don’t you worry though, Messiful Mama’s got your back!
I’m gonna tell you 3 ways to spot a bed bully and what to do about them.
Ever wake up in the Middle of the night, not because you have to pee or rescue your daughter from a nightmare, but because you feel an Arctic breeze caress the underside of your ankles? “Why am I so cold?” You look over and see your over-sized blanket cocooned around a Miniature thief who has shamelessly robbed you of all your comfort and warmth; yep, you have yourself a bed bully. You’re best bet is to tuck those ends and give yourself a little Leverage; don’t be dainty, put some body on it! I like to use my butt, I’ve got a lot going on back there and it really helps me get a Good seal. Snug as a bug in a rug. Stake your claim and Weight that baby down.
Another common symptom of a bed bully is Space invasion. They will make their way to the middle of the bed and position themselves as a starfish until you have just enough room to Balance on the edge. I like to be proactive here and Beat them to the middle; I sprawl out before they ever get the chance. Should they need to join the big bed, they also have Assigned slivers and I am not above a little Light shoving, should they stray.
Waking up in a puddle of pee is another sign that you are dealing with a bed bully. A Wet bed bully to be exact. The best thing I can tell you here, and it’s exactly what all the literature will tell you Not to do, is to beat them to the punch and carry their sleepy self to the potty Before their pee time. (All kids have a general time they pee the bed) For mine it’s 2 hours after they go down. If you’ve got a Serial offender, though, that might not even help. I’ve had nights where one of my kiddos wet 3 times :-O. Get yourself a good mattress protector and towels. Keep lots of Thick towels on hand. Don’t pretend you’ve never been Mid-zombie-sleep mode, thrown a towel down and dealt with the mess in the morning!
If you’ve ever woken up to a ringing in your ears because your Entire cranium has just been rocked by a lateral roundhouse combo, foot still laying on your face, you Don’t need me to tell you that you have a bed bully. You’ve just Lost your first MMA title fight, you already know you have a bed bully. What you didn’t know is, while it may be Frowned upon to fight your child in broad daylight, It’s dark, and an intruder has broken into your room in the middle of the night. You Can’t see who they are. It’s a clear case of Self defense baby, game on. While no one would actually Buy that logic, I don’t think anyone would Throw shade if you, “lovingly”, placed them on the floor.
The trouble with a bed bully, really, is most often you don’t know they’re there until it’s Too late. You’re either on the floor or sporting a black eye. If you do realize, before dawn hits, it usually means they’ve already Thrown off your sleep for the night. I operate at about 20% mental capacity between 9pm-7am (10am if I’m being real), I Need my sleep! Dodging each disturbance for a few solid hours of sleep, and Enforcing “go back to bed” has never really been in my skill set. Bribery, on the other hand, most certainly is. A quarter for every night spent in their bed is Money well spent if you ask me! I am also looking into Portable Cots, for nights when loose change just doesn’t motivate. I relish in the delusion that simply being in the same room will satisfy their need to be under my ass. That and I just like to waste money 😛
There you go, now you’re a bed bully Pro! Do some light stretching before bed and give yourself a little mental prep talk. Get in the zone and prepare to stand up and declare, “The bullying stops here!”